10.31.01 - 2:00 am
anyway. i'm sick. i have to take antibiotics. my mother said i probably have anthrax.. that's comforting. she said it as a joke though. i have to attend the actual funeral for my grandfather in about 9 hours. i better get to bed soon.. i just can't now. i chose to be a pall-bearer. my friends will be there too. i broke down at the view-in... or rather, the visitation. i just couldn't help it.. and endless river of tears i've locked up for years all inside my head, just came pouring out.. it was pitiful to see a 20 year old guy weep like a child in front of his entire family. i needed to though, and i don't think it's weak for a man to cry. but i had to endure about 50 people asking me, "are you okay?" no i'm not fucking okay, my grandfathers dead. but i can't say that, because they're hurt as much as i. and they mean only good.. so i just nod. it's a bad time....... i know............ horrible time. i don't know if it's all the stress, or what.. but i'm horny. i guess i need sexual release. i'll never get it, but hey, here's to hopin. i need to get some sleep... damn i'm buzzin off this medication. 'Night.
