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12.03.01 - 10:10 pm

i hate typing and not being able to feel my fingers... but it's all in all a small metaphor for my life right now.

a letter to you:

I don't know how much more I can take of this. I feel more impersonal with you than I do random acquaintances. I think it's mainly because you know me, but you don't wish to anymore, and those random acquaintances do. I'm tired of being unloved, and untalked to... and most of all, a complete stranger in your life -- because that's what you've made me. I know now that asking you to date me was a complete mistake.. for the simple fact that I don't even know who you are - when I tried so hard to figure you out. It wasn't my fault, because you decided to do this. You have a totally other life you lead besides the one you tell me about, and that's not fair or honest. So I've given up hope on being with you, but you should've counted on - or at least expected this to happen, from someone you don't want to be with. It's only mutual all the time, isn't it? I had high hopes for the way things were going, but you're stuck back a year ago, still with other people and yourself, still alone. I gave up on that and moved on, I moved on to wanting a good relationship with you again, but that's not what you want, because you're stuck with him - you're stuck at school - you're not living in the life that involves me, at least partly. It hurts to know just how little it really matters that I call you.. your work is always there in the background, homework or work itself... there are always other phone calls you have to make.. there is always something else, to satisfy your greed.. because the life with me in it, can't be enough. I just can't believe you've let me come this far, only to tell me that you have no idea where you are, or what you're doing, when you have complete control and status over everything in your life. "Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts, and don't let others be reckless with yours." I'm starting to believe in that, and I'm starting to enforce that. But most of all, I'm starting to move on. Without you.

 

 

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