03.18.03 - 12:46 am
has diaryland become so homogenized? has the ability to just type an entry when you please been vanquished? will anyone ever care?
no. no one cares, and i'm not going to bitch anymore.
so carrying on.
there are so many interesting stories going on in everyone's life, and i'm always picking up the shambles of my own. it's almost like my life was a broken prefabrication, and i'm just walking around discovering new pieces everyday. one of my friends is the way she's always wanted to be. happy and with a man. they don't do much, to my knowledge, but goddamnit they're happy. one of my friends has lost a man. he didn't do much, and goddamnit, that made her unhappy. my girlfriend has been talking to a guy who she's had a rough past with, and goddamnit, we've discovered it doesn't matter.
i feel really bad for jen. i don't want to say i know how she feels, because i don't. i mean, i've been dumped. i know what that's like. but every situation's different, you know? the one thing i've found true in a lot of pot-smokers though: it's hard as hell to talk sense into them. they put all the wrong priorities first. it's so funny, because they're usually smart people.. or endearing in some fashion... but they just don't understand why it's wrong. i've tried for years to make my friends understand.. maybe i'm just not coming from the right angle. they always end up falling back on "it's just too easy". fuck it. but as far as her being generally unhappy and disappointed -- i'm sorry sweetie.
a while back.. and i do mean a while. not sure how long exactly, my girlfriend had a guy friend, who was much more than a guy friend, but never exactly a boy friend to her. some things between them kept them together, but also apart at the same time. back then, i was angered at this. i was bothered, and i was constantly uncomfortable about it. it took me probably a year or almost two to figure out that it wasn't this guy, or her that made me that way. it was me. i'd always blame it on him, or her, and i think that in part drove her farther away from me and closer to him. we've discussed it recently because he's been talking to her more often since he broke up with his girlfriend, which doesn't surprise me really. she's an excellent person to talk to in general and it helps to bring things up with her when you're wanting to get something off your chest, or if you're just feeling down. well, i've reacted fairly this time to everything. i mean, i have the occasional slip up, but everyone seems to set back into the way they felt in the past everynow and then. and i let it get a bit far one night at a resturant, but like i said it really didn't matter, and i was just blowing off the fact that i had gone hiking and was completely worn out that night. but you know, i completely ignore the obvious when i get upset like i used to. things are different now. we werent together then. i was pushing her away, almost as much as she was letting go. i don't know if she's ever thought about it this way, but i think just about any guy who had pursued her at that point in time would have acheived the same effect as he did. and my anger.. my god, i don't even know how i let myself blow up as i did. i can't imagine ever being like that now, and still being able to admit that i love her. and the funny thing was is, i was out doing the same things. we admit this now. we talk about this now. we didn't then. we know what eachother is capable of. but we know how much our relationship means to us. anyway, i wanted to bring this up because we've talked about it a while, and i since i know she reads this, i think it will clarify a few things we have talked about recently. i'm glad she's openly talking to me now about all this, and that's also a huge difference in the way we function together now. it's proof of how things have changed for the best. so it's been over a year now and we've been the best we can be as a couple. there are things that have and will continue to prove this. we've just got to be understanding about them at all times.
we can only go up baby!
so on to the next... i need to get off the idea that my friends boyfriend is bad for her. i really like him. i have always liked him. he's just a cool guy. i like the way he talks, i like his sense of humor. he's fuckin great! i don't know whatever got me on the tangent about thinking he was a set below her standards, because hell... he fills all of them. or at least makes a huge attempt! if anything, they're almost exactly alike. all in all, i give up on those old feelings. i think they're perfect for one another. and that's grand. good times.
i'm changing my major.
i'm still working at cockbuster.
i'm still wanting more and eating less.
i'm still me...
it's just been a bitch figuring that out.
