08.08.02 - 3:58 pm
This entry is dedicated to the safeholding of my diaryland account. Mainly because if I don't write in it anymore, i'm almost certain they'll do away with it. So, wow. where to begin?
I'll give you a few reasons I never write on here. One, I lost my internet connection - so it's kind of impossible. Two, the same thing always happens to me. I think of really wonderful things to talk about, or just simply mention on here, and when I finally get a chance to do it, I have a complete and utter blank of memory. Maybe it's just all in my head. Like, I'm imagining things that I could've been saying, to therefore justify to myself that I am more than just a spinal cord with meat attached to it...that i really do think about important issues. This is a term the world will never agree on. Important. What's important. There's really only one fundamental importance the whole world can agree on. And that's living. Living of course stretches over a number of subtopics (eating, love, fulfilling one's dreams, yadda). But we all want the same thing. To live, to love and to eat. That's just about it. And courtney, I hate your laptop. I can't type worth a poo on it. So... what can i say, I've been living. That's it. I find happiness, and I find disappointment. And you know how long either of them last. =) But I'll be damned if I take another Jesus lesson from anyone.. I have my own opinions and quarrels with the holy dude, and I don't need anyone else telling me how I should deal with him. It's my life, and my problem to figure out when and where I'll decide to confront my spirituality but now is not the time. So don't waste your breath on me. Valvoline seems really fast.. and easy, when you drive through it. But when you work there, it's fucking hot. That's the only problem. It's hot. I burn myself, my hands get burnt, my arms get burnt it's always hot downstairs in the pit, the oil gets burnt into your skin and won't wash out.. it just burns. Hey Chris Martin, it burns, it burns. hehe. But fuck a lotta talkin about work.. I do that while I'm at work, "fuck this.. i hate work, when do i have to work next, when when when blah blah blah"
Courtney dyed her hair... it's brown. I love it. I tried to imagine it over the phone before i saw it, and fell in love with the image.. but nothing compares to the actuality that she really is an angel. Despite her hair color.
Which brings me to another topic. Amanda and I came to the same conclusion, (at least that's what she tells me after I explained how i felt) that Courtney will just have to learn when and why you should let someone go. Especially if the relationship was twisted and severed in a way that only manipulative (for lack of a stronger vernacular) bullshit can cure it. She doesn't need him anymore, and she's slowly figuring it out. But i decided i'm still waiting to see how things unfold, especially now that she's going back to school and it'll give ol dude a chance to squirm his sweet talk in and push all the pain out. It's a nasty but well-planned (on the part that it doesn't take much to know how to really hurt courtney) cycle he's created, and I hope he gets burned for it, because it's caused her too much thinking time she could've been thinking on something a bit more pleasant, and not so back-stabbing.
As for me, I'm going back to school. I need to. I have changed my American Dream yet again. this time it includes texas. studying water life, living in texas on the coast... making love to someone beautiful and writing music.. hopefully.. but until all that happens.. i'm gonna keep trying.
