10.06.01 - 5:18 am
I was talking to my best friend today about commitment. We ended up going over to Chris's house (another one of my friends), and drinking. Well.. I drink, they smoke up. I'm not into the whole pot thing, cause at one point I was.. and it was bad.. so I stopped, for my own sake. Anyway, we were over there and everyone was completely fucked up after a few hours.. and after a few boilermakers (for me, anyway). We decided to go walking... not a usual thing for us. =) Well, it just so happened that it sparked this vent in me to just let everything all out. My depression after my car accident, my anxiety disorder, my change in personality after my accident. We came to the conclusion that I had been acting differently. The thing is, it could either be because I never talked to anyone about my problems.. or the fact that I'm just getting older. Anyway.. it was funny to listen to Joe (my best friend) talk about my failures with commitment. Sometimes I get really pissed because he lectures me, when he really needs to sit back and figure things out for himself. That's probably my only problem with Joe.. other than the fact that he smokes too much pot, but I guess I'm cool with it - after all: what people could do, people will do. Your "normal" opinion against a rebellious act will always cause the rebellious one to go even further in their extreme. Well anyway, back to the point of my entry. We talked a lot about commitment, how I used to be completely into relationships and since my accident, I kinda drew back in. I completely drew in, actually. I shut out all want and need for a relationship, because mainly I was just.. sick. NO other word to explain it. I tried my hand at a few "fuck-ups", as I like to call'em.. but in the end, I always ran back home and hid from the world. And I hurt a lot of very important, and wonderful people.. and I realize, and I've attempted to make 'mends with all. As Joe and I both agreed, I have changed a few times since then... recently for the best. I realize that without fear, and without anxiety, you can really be happy. I wake up every morning, and instead of fealing sick, or worried about what might happen, I'm truly happy and excited about what could happen. Well.. to sum it all up, I'm happy, but I've had this problem for a couple months of not devoting myself to anyone. I think I'm gonna try that though.. I heard it's a lot less lonely. =) I'm tired of being alone, and only getting gratification physically. I think I'm ready for whatevers above all that. I'm ready for someone, mind, body and soul.
