04.01.04 - 11:23 am
so i'm still the most unsure of unsure. i'm still the harbinger of emotional apathy. the misquito breeder on the lake of time that will eventually suck me dry.
i'm so uneasy. but i find myself comforted in the fact that i'm sitting on a big rock, spinning around a giant ball of gas in the middle of eternal nowhere. kind of makes you not give a fuck.
i'm scared of a lot of things. moving away, losing my friends, being alone, never finding love again, starving to death, tumors, heart problems, hypochondira, anxiety, calcium.
i try now to place my problems and worries upon a scale; where i compare them to solar winds, or something uber-crazy and way out of my understanding. it makes me smile.
i shy away from putting in all my effort, because ultimately, i'm just going to die on some dark road one day in a horrible car accident. and then it will all stop making sense, because i won't need sense.
i need someone to want me, like they do in the movies. i'm missing the feeling of someone being in love with me. everyone i know is cynical, and analytical and sarcastic with me. they either don't believe me, don't want to hear me, or disregard me. but i still love them all, and they love me. it's just not enough.
my stomach is always upset because i'm always unsure of what i need to do to get the kinds of things needed for me to function for the rest of my life. because what i have now isn't working. i don't know if it's all the whispering, the lack of interest. all the bitterness for no reason. it's just hard. it's not supposed to be easy, but i'm supposed to feel good about it.
i'm a bastard for saying so, but i hate that some of my friends are in such cute little relationships. you know, where their only problems are materialistic ones, and not problems of history or emotional turmoil. maybe i should grind my teeth at night. or stop eating ice. or run forever.
i'm done here.
