11.23.01 - 11:30 pm
i'm completey drunk right now... asi have been all day.. since about 3 pm. i've been thinking about a lot too. i've come to find out that when i'm drunk, ik'm really compassionate. but not only towards everything around me, but to myself and that's a weird thing for me. i'm never easy on myself... and i have a lot of confidence as well when i'm drunk. it's odd. i don't understand how something as simple as drinking... well.... 11 beers..can make a person feel so much beter about himself. fucked up man. anyway, there are a lot of peopl downstairs.. having a good time.. i'm not. no mattter how much i've aalways wanted to fit in with these people.. i stil feel weird wth them. and it's due to lots of reasons.. people keep walking in so i have to close this down. hahaha.. that's funny.. i can't let people close to me read this but complete strangers i'm okay with. anyway.. i dunno what to do. i'm really lost with everything in my life. i really need love... i really need money. i really need so much, so much out of my expectations of myself that i can't hardly find time to be just okay with breathing. it's just not enough. i see people i'm interested in all the time... i've tried hardest with the one i love... it's all the same, i had my chance.. and i gave it up for stupidity and other reasons. mostly my personality. had to feel my forehead, it's burning. i'm so friggin hot right now. anyway... i don't know where i'm goign with this... i just find myself so damned down on myself, and lonely that it's unbearable to be around even other people who are just as lonely as i am. i'm fucked. and i'll tell you why. i can't find someone, because i'mw aiting for someone to find me. no one will find me, because they're waiting for someone to find them. fuck it man. it's okay though.. i never say the right things, or do the right things. or matter, to anyone.. i'm just a guy that people know. fuck it. time to return to the shadows of the party, behind everyone else... not by force, but by choice.. and that's the reason i'm typing to you all now. because i'm without anyone else to talk to. and that's sad. goodnight.
