03.09.05 - 11:57 pm
i had a conversation with my grandmother today about her will. it was depressing. she basically told me that between me and my grandfather, i was the only other person she truly trusts in life. i'm supposed to be the protector of her estate when she dies. i don't know how i feel about that. i feel out of control as it is, but for my family to put me in some sort of leadership perspective really scares me. i'm not ready to be the head of my family, nor am i ready for my grandmother to die. anyone to die, for that matter. i hate it. i hate it so much. when family members die, it takes some of the meaning away from life, some of the home away. it's already fallen apart, and i don't think it'll ever be put back together the way it was. its a frightening thing to realize your life is changing minute-to-minute, and it will never be the same again. ever. i suppose we live for our children, or for our family, or for love... but when it all leads to death, whats the use? does love transcend life? does it make a difference? these are unforgiving questions in an unforgiving world...
