11.29.01 - 3:40 am
well blah blah fuckin blah it's 3:40 am and i have to be up in about 4 hours for work.. fuck it, mate. anyway... not a goddamned thing has happened in the past few days... just same old crappy crap. i'm pissy right now because..... err... i dunno why, really. just that time of the month. no, i'm not female, but i definitely have a period.
anyway -- to make shit short -- i sometimes forget why i'm so afraid to be honest to people. it's crap man. i should just let it go, who cares? people never spare my feelings, so why am i always sparing theirs. maybe that's why i always sit there and slap my forehead when i'm hurt, and say, "goddamnit.. why did you let them do this to you?" should i just be completely bluntly honest with everyone i know? fuck it.
i'm in this same predicament again. i know this girl... i've known her for a long time.. i fall in and out of love with her..... it's reaching that point to where we get along so well it's crazy. i don't know what to expect or do about it, because i've done all i can. i've treated her nice, i've been there for her, i've done this-and-that. i worked myself up to asking her out, and naturally i was rejected. i expected rejection, so i didn't hurt as long as i would have anticipated it. anyway.. there are other girls. i don't have any outstanding relationships with them.. in fact, i hardly talk to them.. but they're there. and it's almost like they're clawing at me. they ask me to come over, they e-mail me constantly.. blah blah.. i'm not being pissy about them.. because they're nice and sweet people.. but this girl i'm falling-in-and-out-of-love-with just makes me sit there... i don't know if it's worth it anymore, and i guess that's what the past couple of weeks have been for me, as far as decision making. i'm trying to decide if i should just truly let go, and move on. i don't see why i can't hold onto this good relationship with her, and date other people. i think she feels the same way, because .. well, for one, she rejected the idea of being with me. i think partly because she's afraid she won't be completely honest with me about other guys she's involved with. maybe that's why i feel so good about being with her.. because i can be completely honest with her about the girls i know. who knows... it's all up in the air really, and i just sit around like a child waiting for the pieces to hit the ground. always have.. i think i like to torture myself. anyway... besides all that, i am moving on in other aspects of my life. I joined the Habitat for Humanity and i'm going to be building homes/or working in the office buildings for them as a volunteer. I also joined the Amnesty International USA branch, and I'm currently fighting the nov. 13th military order that ol ' bushy passed.. i dunno.. it's just too nazi for me.. i have to fight it. i plan on working out starting in the next day or so.. probably tomorrow since this morning i'll be dead asleep. i feel really weird about working for my dad currently.. simply because i don't know what to expect at all. i mean.. i just dont know.. and that worries me, especially with my father. i just want to be in school again. can't wait till january. I GET A BOOKBAG AGAIN, fuckin a man. No more sittin around, smoking cigarettes and working on cars for me... it's back to what i'm made for, learning and books and paper and shit. =) you know, all that intellagynt stuff. hehe. anyways.... this girl randomly comes up with the idea that she likes me very much.. and she starts e-mailing me these weird and shy e-mails now... all i can do to react to her is reply "uhhhhhhhh"..... cause that's generally how i feel about all that right now.. just uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......... well.. so far is my life in a nutshell... read a book, eatcha puddin. goodnight monkey's.
